Never date a musician
Mothers have always known. I suppose they must have learnt their lesson back in the days of free festivals and free love. But what is the reasoning behind this warning? Are musicians really that bad? Let’s investigate…
Musicians don’t have a plan
Ok. That’s not true. Musicians all have a plan. Most musicians have hundreds of plans. But not the kind plan a girlfriend is looking for. The girlfriend wants something like:
- Work hard at your music
- Become the best, succeed
- Support wife and children
The musician’s plan is more like:
- Play local venue until famous
- Be famous, meet legendary musicians
- Um…
Musicians may never believe it, but the girlfriend plan is the one that works. Good ol’ hard work.
Musicians are selfish
The Musician belongs to a group of people whose time and energy is largely taken up by their passion. The Artist more generally, and The Sportsman are in the same boat. The Academic is in a different boat, but sailing nearby.
Take your average muso. He spends two or three evenings a week rehearsing or gigging. He spends his free time with his friends, who are generally his band-mates. He puts aside random days to make badges, stuff envelopes with hand-printed demos and watch videos of himself performing. He goes into the studio for the odd week, and spends ninety per cent of his time playing table football, watching videos and getting stoned.
So he’s selfish with his time, but what about his mind? What does this beautiful, creative creature think about all day? Well… He writes songs. In his head. All the time. Even when he’s talking to you. He hears references and structures and moments of genius is any background noise. He reads about music. He watches TV shows about music. He talks about music. All the time.
Musicians are stupid
There are several different types of intelligence, and musicians’ brains usually have quite an awkward balance.
Often, they have a very tactile, technical, methodical, systematic sort of intelligence. They are able to learn complicated riffs, scales and techniques with ease, and talk at length about the relative benefits of Strats and Teles, or bebop and swing, or Bowie and The Band.
Sometimes they have a more creative, artistic intelligence, and can write beautiful lyrics and compose breathtaking melodies. Their songs have an emotional intelligence that seems to be the indicator of a potential mate…
But wait. This intelligence, whether it is emotional, intellectual or creative, is directed inwards. It’s all about the music. The kind of people who are truly musicians are the kind of people who don’t turn their attention outside much. They don’t care for the intricacies of international politics, or the complex web of emotional paranoia happening around them, even if they understand it.
Musicians aren’t really stupid. But they can seem like they are.
So what’s the problem?
Musicians may be vacuous idiots, but they can create one of the purest forms of entertainment, some of the most beautiful works of art, and some of the most exhilarating and engaging experiences in life.
It’s a trade-off. They aren’t the best dates. But they aren’t that bad.
Tagged with: lifestyle, musicians
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14 Comments, Comment or Ping
mart
WORD!
Dec 12th, 2007
RJ
Aww.. kinda crappy to know that Musicians don’t have a good name when it comes to dating and relationships…anywho…back to my music! :D :P
Dec 4th, 2008
D
This is hilarious! You want to hate them, but you just can’t help from loving them. That’s why they are evil! ..and amazing!
Jan 17th, 2009
LQ
Word up mamma! I love him but don’t think I can take being #2…want to try agian but I already moved out :(
Jun 17th, 2009
Sweetheart
I love this!! It craked me up so true!! I dated a musician for 4 yrs…it was all of the above..this guy was breathing,sleeping, music…it became too much…we had an amazing relationship..i would have married this guy..but his band took a huge toll in the relationship….it was hard but i had to end the relationship….
Jan 5th, 2010
Ally
I love how obsessed they are with music and it always attracts me to them. Then when i fall in love, they have no time for me, break my heart and what do I do? Go and find another muso to date! 4 years of this and I am still single haha
Feb 10th, 2010
hannaH
Actually, I read this, and loved it…But I have more realistic, better reasons. Musicians have a plan…that is to make music, and one day be famous. A dedicated musician will do anything to reach this goal, an ambitious musician will keep on. Which means, as the girlfriend, you become second in line..Actually, probably third, fourth, or fifth. As a musicians girl, you have to understand that he’s going to leave for months and months, he’s going to be surrounded by girls, and you’re going to have to learn to trust him. If you have a date night, and a band member needs you, guess whose first? Bandmate. The band is ALWAYS first, you just have to be willing to take the backseat, constantly. The biggest thing, you will NEVER be his dream, his dream is the band…
I am with a very talented musician. I get to see him maybe three times a month, and out of those three times, we probably spend one or two of those nights together, we probably get a few more visits in, visits of about 30 minutes. We never makes plans. The only plans made are those for the band.
Now, I disagree with “Never date a musician”..Because I have found the most perfect one. Its a partnership, you have to be able to go into the relationship, willing to take time, willing to wait, willing to put of with long periods of time of not seeing him..And you have to understand that you are not a current priority. You just have to find the right one. I know that some day, when the band has time to settle, that he’ll be all mine..And I know that I’m the only one he wants to come back to. And when I have a problem he does everything to fix it… They get shit for being so hard to date, but, you go into it knowing they wont have time…Thats what you sacrifice, and if its going to work, you both have to put in.. Its the same as any other relationship
Jun 11th, 2010
Ben Walker
Thanks for the comment, Hannah. I agree.
It’s two and a half years since I wrote this post and it’s sort of funny to read it again now. At the time I was the musician in the relationship and this was mostly a blog post railing against myself for being so annoying to date. Now I’m with a musician and it’s working out wonderfully!
You hit the nail on the head – music will always be the number one priority, the dream. As a musician you need to learn how to explain and justify that without offending people, and find somebody who can understand. Then be extra special nice to them to make up for it. ;)
Jun 11th, 2010
hannaH
=) I’m glad you found someone. And thats actually quite amazing that you wrote this about yourself..Haha. I think most musicians know how annoying they are to date. The guy I’m with knows that he’s super hard to be with, and that it’s quite irritating sometimes. I think it kinda takes an amount of understanding in restlessness…I’m super passionate about many many things, and I never feel quite captivated, so I think it helps me to understand him…
Jun 20th, 2010
hannaH
Wow..I feel like an idiot, I traveled around your site a bit..Just to get a taste of what you’re all about. I found this post in the midst of a google search and found it quite intriguing. Now that I have listened to some of your music, I am abashed, and embarrassed. You are quite talented. I must say. =)
Jun 20th, 2010
Heartbroken
I just got dumped after dating long distance for three years and moving 500 miles away, for a year to be with my musician X. I have a daughter and he said after four years he doesn’t want the family thing. I know musicians are usally selfish and that is the message I keep feeding myself. We had great realationship but the music always came first. I often need to remind myself that we would have never been first and that this is probabaly for the better. Your article helps refresh my memory.
Aug 9th, 2010
Ben Walker
Heartbroken: I’m really sorry to hear that. My post was originally written half-jokingly, but it seems to have hit a nerve with lots of people. I’m glad it has helped you in a tiny way to move on and find happiness. ;)
Aug 9th, 2010
Violet
Listen, Ben, nothing against you as a person or a musician, but I was going to marry a friend I have known for forty years who was widowed (his late wife was a very close friend of mine for all those forty years). This guy turned out to be the most selfish man I have ever known. Bear in mind, he lives in Chicago and I live in Denver so it was long distance but not for long.
He said he felt some sort of spark from me when I went to visit his wife and him in 2002 in Chicago. I went for medical reasons and to visit them and thought about moving back to Chicago (home town) but never could get enough together financially to make me comfy about the move. Then after his wife passed, we were in touch and it seemed like something good. The more time passed, the more I realized he was not for me but I didn’t want to hurt him. Also, the first promise he made to me was to call me at 9pm one evening (my laundry night) and I waited until 11pm, no call. I then emailed him and said I would rather forget about romance and just keep the friendship. He called me at one minute after eleven all apologetic. I think he was gaming. I broke up with him twice after because I knew he was a selfish man. He told me when I moved to Chicago he would buy me a beater. Here is a man driving a year-old caddy. So much concern for my safety. He had a 2005 Ford Taurus in the garage he couldn’t drive and was going to give it to a relative. I asked him to save it for me. That did it. I knew he was not for me. That is not love to put the person you are supposed to care about in an unsafe vehicle. He let me know that he wanted sex and I told him I would never until I was married. So we had issues. I am a professional musician myself so I thought this would be a good thing. I remember when his wife told me that before she went back to him after a nineteen year separation that he promised her the premium coffee before she moved there but then it was the eight o’clock brand after she went back to him. She just smiled at me wryly. I should have known he was romantically inept. He waited to break up with me and sprang it on me after I began to be comfortable. This guy is a game player and I hope he never finds anyone to put up with his garbage. He does not deserve a woman and I hope he learns a big fat lesson.
Aug 26th, 2010